Hoping To Be Mommy

Expect the Unexpectant

2011-11-11T20:19:00.004-06:00

This month is going to be the hardest for me. My baby(ies) would have been due on Thanksgiving. I'm sure I've probly said it a million times. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself, but that's a lot easier said than done. Last night I just had to breakdown and cry for about 10 minutes and that did make me feel a little better.

I always think of myself as a pretty weak person physically and emotionally. I really wish I thought the opposite because I actually think the opposite is true. I think I'm stronger than I realize. I usually take on more tasks than I can handle and I'm fine for a while but then the stress catches up and I just have to break. But it usually takes a lot for me to get to that breaking point.

I was talking to my mom lastnight about Thanksgiving and what the plans were. I told her I might not feel like doing anything, maybe I'll just sit around and mope around the house. She told me "we can't do that. We have to move on." Those are hard words to hear, but necessary to hear.

I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing the fact that losses like this happen to more people than we realize. They just don't talk about it. Does that make me stupid for wanting to talk about it? Am I actually weaker than I thought because I can't keep that bottled up inside me? I think it's a fact of life and people shouldn't be ashamed of it. It was still a baby, it was a family member.

Unless it's like when your crazy uncle Nestor with the 10 free-ranging house chickens and mummified human "dolls" * (see below) he kept in this 1 bedroom apartment suddenly died while having a night on the town with an escort, then maybe you don't talk about it. On second thought that story's kinda interesting, I want to hear more about your crazy uncle Nestor....

My point is when you're mourning, you need to give it time. I was talking to another dear friend about some losses she's going through and it occurred to me that she's mourning all of these things all at once. We all have different kinds of mourning and we all have a different timeframe of mourning certain losses. You never forget those people in your life but God built us with the ability to be sad and grieve so we can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. (Love you friend! You're an inspiration!)

So right now DH and I just wait and expect the unexpectant. I've been trying the Fertilaid pills I bought a couple months ago and don't really seem to have any negative impact but they do give me hope. It's a natural herbal supplement that is supposed to help regulate hormones and have all the necessary things that prenatal vitamins have. I will continue with the supplements for now until they run out or until something awesome happens. I'm hoping the latter...

I was going to do a list of things I'm thankful for but I need a little humor. Here's a list of songs that I'm ashamed to admit I own but thoroughly enjoy.

10. Dead Puppies - ?
9. Movin Right Along - The Muppets
8. Uncle F***er -DVDA (from the South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut Soundtrack)
7. Bringing Sexy Back -Justin Timberlake
6. Toxic -Brittany Spears
5. These Boots are Made for Walking - Jessica Simpson version
4. I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred
3. Super Freak- Rick James
2. Sex Farm Woman- Spinal Tap
1. The Only Gay Eskimo -The Juice Pigs

*http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/11/us-crime-bodies-odd-f-idUSTRE7AA3V320111111

My Baby Pet Peeves

2011-08-25T00:14:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've posted. I guess time flies when you're too damn busy to stop and look at a calendar. Haven't been able to have too much time to myself lately, since I've been helping babysit my now 2 1/2 month old niece. Love, love, love her to pieces!

I've been needing to rant for a while now. If I don't I'm going to explode. I've compiled a list of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to people and their babies. These being in addition to the ones I've already mentioned (i.e. people-who-don't-deserve-children-but-are-still-having-children kind of thing.) I'm sure I might offend someone, but really, right now I don't care. You're an adult, deal with it.

5. Brand names.
Seriously? A Jeep brand stroller? Does it give me excellent gas mileage on my car? Is it motorized in some way? Does it have cup holders I can't live without? What is the deal with brand name baby stuff?! Please don't dress your kids in Baby Gap or Baby Abercrombie (I don't think they have Baby Abercrombie, but if they do this world is seriously effed up) or the like. Your kid is not a damn billboard for advertising some brand that is just there to take your money. (I couldn't come up with a more snide remark, so if you think of one, please post it in the comments!)

4. Baby pageants.
I know, most of you reading this are saying "Ugh, dun' get me stahted." I think most of us have seen at least one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and if you're like me, cringed the entire time. Being from the midwest, we generally don't subject our kids to such vile pageantry. If you want your kid to grow up with a complex, starve themselves, get addicted to pain pills and go on Dr. Phil to blame every problem they have on you for making them do pageants, then by all means, be my guest. Some of those are gross assumptions, but you catch my drift.

3. Smoking.
If you smoke around a baby, you need to be taken out back and beaten with a wiffle-ball bat. (Please note I'm just trying to scale back on the violence for a moment.) Ruin your own damn lungs, don't ruin mine and a defenseless baby's lungs just because you're a selfish twit and can't find it in you to quit, even for your own good.

2. Updates.
Being pregnant is a wonderful thing (remember I briefly experienced this) but the world doesn't need to have a weekly update on the development of your fetus. Especially the automated ones on your "wall" that have a description of every week. "Today your baby looks like a gelatinous goo and is the size of a kumquat!" Along with this I would have to add that you don't have to post every damn ultrasound you have ever had. And this goes for showing people in person too. PLEASE don't shove them in people's faces, especially people you know are having a hard time with babies as it is. Taking pictures of your "progress" is right up there too. I really don't need to see how fat you've become. I don't post pictures of how much weight I've gained since I lost my baby and became depressed and ate half my body weight in Oreos!

1. Nicknames.
Peanut. Grrrrr! Your baby is not a f**king peanut! It's a BABY! It's a fetus. It's a watermelon. Whatever. But it's not a peanut! Nicknames are cute; I have a ton of nicknames for my niece. I just ask that you either use them sparingly or switch it up. For instance my niece to me is "wiggle-worm" or "squeakers." But she is not a peanut. So whatever you decide to dub the kid- wiggle-worm, munchkin or stinky-bean -please, please, please for the love of all that is right and good, just don't call it "Peanut _____(insert last name here)"!

These are just a few things I've needed to get off my chest. Please, if you have any more to share, post in the comments. I'm always open to more ideas, you know that.

Since this week's post is a list, I'm not going to do a closing list for you. I will tell you that Saturday is my 27th birthday and this is making me very depressed. So, I've ordered FertilAid, which is an herbal supplement that's supposed to help fertility. It comes very very highly recommended. We'll give it a go. Wish me luck all!

More Chaos and Happy Almost-A-Mother's Day

2011-05-09T13:11:00.004-05:00

Well it's been a while since I've written. Of course the month hiatus couldn't be without it's share of drama, which is probly why it's taken me so long to write.

You know of the miscarriage on April 3rd but when we met with the interim doctor (while mine is on maternity leave) the morning of the day we went to Las Vegas, she determined I (also) had a tubal pregnancy. I say also because while the doctors believe it was just the ectopic, I strongly believe we lost one on the 3rd. I'll spare you the details on why I think that, but I'm pretty sure. By this time I had already been getting blood drawn twice a week until the hCG level hit 0. Since it actually was going up, she knew there was something else going on and an ultrasound confirmed.

So with the ectopic pregnancy, she needed to give me a shot of Methotrexate which is the same drug they use for chemo treatments, it's just a lower dose for this purpose. If I got the shot that day she wouldn't let me go to Vegas due to the possible side effects. I said forget that, I was going to Vegas and would get the shot when we came back.

Vegas was good. DH went for a convention for work and I went to get away from it all. I was able to get some R&R in and we visited our friends in the evening who showed us around the town a bit. On the day before we were leaving I got horrible pain in my left side- my tube. I panicked and thought the tube burst and I was bleeding internally. It eventually reduced and we got home the next day.

The day we landed it was sleeting and snowing. We weren't in town for an hour and got into an accident. Luckily it wasn't serious, just a fender bender and we just got DH's car fixed so that's back to normal. After the accident we went to the hospital to get the shot. The guy giving the shot was a little awkward. Especially when he asked if we had any kids.

A couple days later I was feeling some pain, nausea and severe dizziness while getting ready for work. I probably shouldn't have driven to work that day. But I called the interim doctor and she said to get to ER. So, ER visit number 2 went ok. It wasn't quite as frantic as the first. So there's another 1,900 out of pocket thanks to my *awesome* health insurance. The doctor said it was just a reaction to the shot.

I was told to keep going back once a week to get blood work until the hCG went back to 0. A week or so ago I got the OK to not have to come back for tests, which in turn is a green light to start trying again.

DH and I went west to visit his mom for Mother's Day, since in years past I've always had to work on Sundays so we've never gotten to spend Mother's Day with her. So we helped her with yard work. It was good to get my mind off of things.

I did get some time to read a book that on of my teachers from junior high mailed to me. She's been a mentor and a great source of inspiration to me all of these years. The book she gave us was Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse. It has some great advice on what to do in the first few hours and the days that follow. I recommend it for you almost-a-mommies and almost-a-daddies and grandparents, everyone involved.

I don't have a funny list today but I will leave you with links to a couple of songs that I absolutely love and find insipring:

Tara's Theme from Gone With the Wind

Feather Theme from Forrest Gump

On Golden Pond from On Golden Pond

Lane's Theme from 8 Seconds

Threads of Love by Lori Line

Loved and Lost....

2011-04-03T21:20:00.001-05:00

Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell everyone. It's also the reason we waited to tell everyone.

DH and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we're gonna have a baby. When I found out, I was hysterical, shaking and crying. I texted him a photo of the pregnancy test. We told our parents and and my sister and a couple friends. We were waiting until after the first ultrasound on 4/20/2011 to tell all. My first appointment last Monday went great and the blood work was normal. Super excited, and it was really hard not to tell absolutely everyone I walked into.

However, today I woke up and went to get ready for church I noticed I was bleeding. I've heard that happens sometimes, no big deal. When I was taking my shower I got extremely light-headed and was going to pass out, I couldn't even finish my shower. I laid on the bathroom floor in my robe doubled over with excruciating cramps while DH called Ask-A-Nurse, who said to get to the ER.

We went to ER and eventually were led back into a room where a doc came in and did a pelvic exam and collected the remains. They did an ultrasound to see if that's really what had happened and it was confirmed. Both DH and I had to cry a little, okay I cried a lot. Still am, in fact. It will take a long time to get over this first pregnancy that ended so abruptly. It sucks.

I'll spare the rest of the details, unless you want to know the ins and outs of what happened today, you can contact me. It feels like another test of faith and very hard not to say "why me, God?!" My heart is breaking. It definitely hurts.

So we wait for now. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to follow up. After 3 weeks we can start trying again. Back to square one. I loved the little guy and lost it.

Update

2011-03-10T11:14:00.003-06:00

Well, yesterday I got my results back for my progesterone levels. I'm at a 19 ng/ml. From what I've read most docs like to see you at 15+ng/ml when medicated (i.e. with clomid) and the nurse told me it's not likely that I'm pregnant yet.

Doc put my on a triple dose of clomid for this next round. I'll be kinda frustrated if I spend all this money on a triple dose of clomid and I'm already with-child. Although, as DH put it, "I'll bet you won't be that upset." *sigh* I hate it when he's right....

Tuesday the 15th is day 28. That's a whole 5 days away yet! I can't test until day 28, per the request of my chiropractor. She's rootin' for me too.

That's all I have for now. I will let you know any progress!

I will leave you with a couple of fertility jokes, courtesy of fertilityplus.org:

Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

Q: How does a Reproductive Endorcinologist like his eggs?
A: Over 20mm!

Q: Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't ask for directions either!

And last but not least:
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

A Day Full of Needles

2011-03-09T01:40:00.003-06:00

Today was another day full of needles. I went in for my day 21 (cycle day 21) blood draw to check my progesterone levels. Progesterone is a hormone that is secreted during ovulation and tells the uterus to get ready for a baybay! Basically, it creates a nice, comfy place for the egg to land. Low progesterone levels mean no implantation or no pregnancy and if pregnant then miscarriage. I'm not sure when I'll get the results back, but I hope they're good!!

After my blood draw, I went to my second acupuncture appointment. This time they put me in a little different room than the spa room I was in before. She put the needles in a few different places than last time too. Then she put a heat lamp on my feet and told me to practice deep breathing and focusing energy. I actually found it harder to concentrate in there because people outside were being loud and the music was too loud. I still felt relaxed, if nothing else, when I left there. And I found out that these treatments cost less than going to my chiropractor or a visit to the gyno (assuming your insurance doesn't pay for anything much like mine doesn't!)

One thing she did ask me to do is to try eliminate stress for a week. ...Yeah. That's what I thought too. I asked her if that means I can quit my job and she said as long as I win the lottery tomorrow night that shouldn't be a problem. Done and done!

Now I don't know if this is anything to be concerned or get excited about, but the last couple of days I've been feeling a fluttering in my uterus-region. Everything I read on the internet was people saying it's gas. Trust me... I know what gas feels like and this is not it. I can tell the difference between my uterus and my intestines, thank you very much! But it doesn't hurt and it's just like when you get a nervous twitch in your eye or your leg or something. I'm gonna play it by ear and see what happens. I have a few more days before I can test. I really don't want to test anymore, I hate the disappointment that entails.

Well, unlike the aforementioned pregnancy tests, today I will leave you with a list of potential movie titles that will not disappoint! FYI: I made these up. Enjoy.

3 Nuns, A Hooker and A Dog Named Happy
Flipper: Die Another Day
Something About Larry (King)
Influenza Day
Revenge of the Ninja Bears
Gigantic Luxury Steam Ship That Never Should Have Left Harbor Killing Many Many People (based on a true story)
Fast Car Boob-splosion [okay I didn't make that one up]
The Vindicator III
Ratman and Bobbin

Stick a needle in me, I'm done

2011-03-03T09:23:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine from childhood sent me a message the other day to give me a little pick-me up and advice on trying to get pregnant and what worked for her. It was a very pleasant surprise and it helped me out!

She mentioned some of the same things that I had already done and even the fertility specialist whom I'm trying to never go back to, God willing. Not that I don't like him, it's just too expensive and didn't get me any farther than I was before. She also mentioned that she did acupuncture which seemed to be the catalyst she needed. My gyno had also mentioned it, I guess I was just a little skeptical and maybe a little scared of alternative medicine like acupuncture. Nevertheless, with two people telling me to give it a go, I decided it was time.

I made an appointment with one of the local chiropractor/day spa places. My mom goes there for her chiropractic needs and it's a really cool place and the people are super nice. I made sure to tell them when booking the appointment that I've never done it before. After all the paperwork (which in reality wasn't much, just your typical HIPAA stuff, etc) I was shown in the back to a room where they played me a general welcome video and then the doc came in for a brief analysis.

Acupuncture is a Chinese medicine practice but they do incorporate a bit of western medicine for the analysis. She first asked me to show her my tongue in various poses (saying "ahhh" or angry tongue sticking-out) and she could tell I was dehydrated, fatigued, stressed and hormonally imbalanced. Then she took my pulse on both wrists at the same time at three different points and she mentioned my pulse was a little weak and I must have been tired (which I was, only getting 6 hours of sleep the night before). Then she did the good old blood pressure cuff on my wrist (yay western medicine!). The last thing she did was have me change into a gown and she had a scanner that she rolled down my back and neck to get a reading of my spine, I guess. Then I was ready for the fun.

The doc lead me back to their spa area where she put me in a relaxing massage room where she had me change into a gown and some shorts. I lied down on the bed with my head on a pillow and she made clear I understood that the needles are only used once and explained where she was putting them and why. She described what it would feel like. I can honestly say, poking your finger for a blood sugar sample or the needle poke at the dentist is soooo much more than this. I've had mosquito bites that hurt more than these things. It was a poke and then it was gone, I forgot where they all were because I couldn't feel them!

She put a needle above and below my belly button, one on each ovary, one on my right wrist, one on the skin between my thumb and forefinger on my left hand, one on the outside of each ankle, two in my forehead and one in the top of my head. She then gave me instructions on deep breathing and focusing on the abdomen where we need the energy to flow. That last one was hard because my mind kept wandering but with the relaxing music and waterfall it made it a lot easier to keep my focus than if I was in a completely silent room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back and removed the needles. I couldn't even feel her remove them. She said there might be some bruising, but so far I haven't seen anything weird. She asked me to take my time getting up, drink 8 oz of water (which they have placed pitchers of ice water pretty much everywhere you go in this place) and get a snack as soon as possible. She didn't have to tell me twice to eat a snack... She also suggested finding at least 5 minutes a day that I just relax and do something that doesn't involve gadgets. I do that anyways, but I think we could all use that.

I'm going back on Tuesday for another treatment. She did mention that we should have started at the beginning of my cycle and not day 15, but I'm guessing it won't hurt to start now. It's good for meditation anyways.

So it was a very positive experience. I would recommend it to others who are trying to conceive or people who just need a relaxing poke with needles.

I will now leave you with a list of very embarrassing moments people experience (not necessarily ones I'VE experienced):

Going to pull out something from your purse/wallet at the grocery store and out falls a tampon/other embarrassing items.
In an important meeting or interview and find you have a booger.
Walking into the wrong bathroom.
Trying to wave down your friend only to find it's someone that looks extraordinarily similar. (this is especially worse if the person turns out to be the opposite gender - this one did actually happen to me)
Farting in front of a client or in an important meeting.
Accidentally wetting/soiling your pants in public. (Hey diarrhea doesn't wait for you!)
Having your shirt tucked in your underwear.
Forgetting to wear clothes (again).
Stepping on the back of your skirt and it comes down.
Wind blowing your skirt up.
Realize your zipper has been down all day.
Farting during silent prayer.
Giggling at the person who farted during silent prayer.
Your phone rings with an embarrassing ring tone.
Gentleman having a noticeable "bulge" at an inappropriate time-like a funeral.
Falling up/ down stairs.

Please comment and add your own embarrassing moments to the list!

On the Pills Again...

2011-02-18T10:47:00.002-06:00

For some reason Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" popped into my head and there's a commercial for birth control pills on right now. Not that I'm on birth control, but I'm back on Clomid and looking forward to it!

I called my doc on Wednesday and was wondering if she would write me a script for Clomid, since we had recently talked about it at a visit. I didn't want to go in if I didn't have to. I've had the stuff before, there would be no need for an exam, no need to blow $85 on a visit (since my *awesome* health insurance has a $6,000 deductible- but that's another story!) so I really didn't feel the need to go in if I didn't have to. So doc's nurse called me back and said that we'll start with one round but we're doubling the dose. Then I have to go back on March 8th for a blood draw to check up on my progesterone to make sure things are happening like they should.

I do like being on Clomid because there are no immediately noticeable side-effects and most of all it gives me hope. True the chances of multiples are higher, but I think taking the risk is worth it.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like a failure. I even joined WW again and have been eating like a rabbit and working out but I've only gained weight. That combined with new stress at work now, I'm just feeling really depressed and just an all around epic failure.

So, for now we'll stick with the Clomid and see what this round brings us. Wish me luck.

I will leave you with a list of honest-to-goodness song titles (some of which are on country radio):

Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
I Just Couldn’t Leave Her Behind Alone
I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

Cold Wind Isn't the Only Bitter Thing...

2011-02-03T20:32:00.003-06:00

A word of caution: you may be offended by the words contained herein.

I'm sure everyone who's tried/trying for a baby has had their emotional roller-coaster, and rightly so. Lately, I've been going up (emotionally speaking) at work and other aspects of my life, but when it comes to the roller-coaster of baby stuff, I've hit that sickening drop right after the sign that says "point of no return" that makes your stomach fly up into your esophagus.

And so I present to you a mad-at-the-world rant session which may or may not offend you. I've been doing well so far keeping these feelings shoved down deep inside but I'm just gonna burst, so bon apetit.

I'm frustrated that every time I go to the gyno, she says "you could even be pregnant as we speak," but I'm not. I'm frustrated with people who are much younger than me who are having babies. I'm frustrated that people aren't married and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people haven't been married even as long as we've been trying (going on 3 years) and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who can't afford to feed themselves are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who are addicted to drugs/alcohol are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who adore their kids when they're babies and then don't like them when they are toddlers are having babies. I'm frustrated there are single people out there living with mommy and daddy and have never worked a day in their life and are having babies.

And most of all I'm frustrated that people like me are trying to hard to have a baby and there are people out there who don't value their baby's life enough and have it aborted.

Whew.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I'm sure in my heart of hearts there are other people that feel the same. It is what it is.

Now I'm going to have angry, sweaty sex with DH.

Happy New Year of the Turtle

2011-01-10T11:56:00.005-06:00

Let me be probably one of the last few people to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2010 brought a lot of ups and downs. My grandfather passed away in February due to generally failing health. He was 85, I believe. I never completed my resolution of becoming pregnant. That's not a very good resolution, but that's what it was and it didn't happen. But, we bought our new house in May and have many other blessings to be thankful for.

So I'm setting out for 2011 to not make a resolution because I'll never complete it. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to lose 5% of my body weight. I am exercising more but I only seem to gain weight (hopefully due to more muscle mass!). Actually, my resolution would be to walk outside in the snow and get some cool photos. Done. Okay I've completed my resolution for this year. (I'll probly add those cool photos later.)

I've learned a few things in the last year. I've learned life's not fair. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fair, so you do the best with what you have. I've also learned that paninis are amazing and super easy to make at home. My new favorite food at the moment.
I'm sure there's more but I'm running out of ideas.

Well, since there's not much else to report in the baby department, I will leave you with a photo of my Pipestone fertility turtle from Pipestone, MN. My mom gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. Traditionally, the brave and his bride would keep it in their teepee to ensure their first-born was a male. My extended family can attest that is just seems to work regardless of gender and people who touch one should be careful. So, if you're interested in how to get a turtle, give me a holler.

Come on shore...

2010-10-07T23:56:00.002-05:00

Wow, again it's been a while since I've posted. Sometimes it's hard to find time to sit down and write out thoughts in more than just a quick note on Facebook. You know how it goes. It seems that in the middle of the night, when DH is snoring away, is the best time for me to sit and write.

There have been some changes in our life since I wrote last. I got a new position at work that is less stress (so far) and the people I work with are nice. However, starting Monday, I will be going back to my last position and going part time so I can spend more time working on the photography business. They don't have part time in my new department so I have to go back to my old world, but the people there are still my good friends. I'm initiating the transition into becoming a full time photographer.

On the baby front, no real news there. I did go to my doctor and ask if she could put me on some birth control pills to help regulate my hormones. So we're just finishing the 2nd month of that and then we're supposed "just go for it" in the words of my doctor. The trouble with the birth control pills is the side effects. When they say "may cause...." then it pretty much DID cause for me. My poor face looks like a teenage boy going through puberty. Then there's the other issues in the "gazunga" department- not sure if the "may increase breast size" one really happened or if that was just from the weight gain that the pills helped with. Dang, I'm glad I took the last one today so my body can get back to normal, after having conceived a child, of course...

So we keep hoping and praying. I had been doing pretty well and then lately in church I've been getting misty-eyed again. I think God's got big plans, I just wish I knew what they were.

Well, for today's humor I'm going to leave you a list of book titles you wouldn't want your grandma to read (these are real, honest-to-goodness published books. Seriously, look them up!):

The Joy of Uncircumcising!
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Pooh Gets Stuck
Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School
Foreskin's Lament
Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice
Games You Can Play with Your Pussy
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

And last but certainly not least:
Come On Shore and We Will Kill and Eat You All: A New Zealand Story

Go Rest High on the Mountain

2010-08-16T08:36:00.005-05:00

Just a week ago we came back from the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota for a family reunion for my extended family. It was actually more fun than last year, if I do say so myself. We have the reunion at a Lutheran church camp tucked away between two mountains with a little mountain lake for canoeing and plenty of photographic opportunities. DH and I were able to relax on the front porch of our cabin in the afternoon and play guitar, with a perfect 75 degrees, fresh pine smell, slight breeze and no one around but the birds and chipmunks. It was magical.

Every year on the Saturday night, we have a talent show and DH and I played guitar and sang a couple songs. My song was "Go Rest High (on that Mountain)" by Vince Gill. If you don't know the song, it's about the person saying goodbye to a loved one, lamenting the day they were put to rest. Go rest high on that mountain/ Son your work on earth is done/ Go to heaven shoutin'/ love for the Father and the Son It's an emotional song anyway, but I always think of both of my grandmothers and now both of my grandfathers who have passed away, one most recently as February this year. So I thought of them and starting tearing up and could barely finish the song. Music is very powerful.

At the end of the talent show portion, one of the ladies got up to talk about the joy of children and let us all know that her son is expecting another. At this point I lost it and had to run out of the room bawling. Poor DH, the only thing he can do is to hug me and he knows there's nothing that can be said to fix it. So we hugged alone in the hallway as I bawled. After everyone was done there, we all went to have a campfire. As I walked back to the campfire, one of the staff ladies from the camp asked if I was okay and then gave me a big hug, affirming that I was there with God and He would take care of me. Hugs and God are very powerful.

The next morning after breakfast we headed back upstairs for a family-led church service. All was going well until the cousin leading the service talked about how he had prayed that God wouldn't take him until he had children. Instant tears because that's how I feel. Please don't take me before I've gotten the chance to live a full life.

Then it was time to leave that beautiful part of the country and head back home, back to reality. It was a great time and I got some much needed exercise hiking. I also got some inspiration and a kick in the pants to get back to the baby-making business. My gyno and I are going to try birth control for a little while to get the hormones back on track. I'm also watching what I'm eating and trying to get that back on track after the move. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction.

Well that about does it for today. I will leave you with a link to "Go Rest High" and I hope you love this song as much as I do. Thanks for listening.

Nouveau Départ

2010-08-05T00:06:00.002-05:00

Hey everybody. I can't believe it's been since April that I've written. I guess I just didn't have anything new baby-related to talk about. I guess I still really don't have anything baby related to talk about. We've kinda put things on hold in that department to get other things figured out in other departments. Sometimes you have to shut down part of the store to work on renovations and improvements.

There have been a couple things that are new. I know I talked about getting a house, and as most of you know, DH and I did buy our first house at the end of May and we've been steadily getting settled in. We've been put through some trials in the first month of home-ownership, such as repairing the AC and the fridge. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Another thing that's new is that actually just this morning I accepted a position in a different department, which theoretically will be less stress and same pay but now will be Monday through Friday (currently my schedule is Sunday through Thursday) and the hours will actually be later. I figure I'll give it a shot for a while anyway.

Some other things that are new: my sister's fiance, the restaurant down the road a half mile, and the Aurora Borealis (which we tried to see tonight but weren't able to).

So anyway, I've made an appointment with my gyno again because I'm 90% sure I've got a cyst again. Not that I'm usually one to self-diagnose (just kidding I do it all the time), I am experiencing symptoms similar to when I had the one burst the day of our friends M and H's wedding. I'm hoping there is some sort of therapy, like birth control, that she'll be able to prescribe to help with the hormones and get me back on track. In the meantime I've decided to live vicariously through others with children. Ya know, get as much practice as I can.

I will leave you with a website full of neat things about viewing the Aurora Borealis.

Hormones, hormones everywhere

2010-04-28T22:18:00.000-05:00

I could swear I've hit menopause.

I sit at work and normally and just frozen to the bone. But lately that has changed and I get this overwhelming heat wave and I'm threatening my co-workers that I'm going to rip my clothes off. And no one wants that.

In addition to the heat wave, apparently hearing a baby or seeing a baby makes me cry. Just tonight I was on a call and the customer had a 3 month old baby and a 2 year old and she's been married just as long as DH and I have. I started bawling. One of the fellow co-workers brought his week old baby (who was just as cute as a bugs ear)in today to parade around, the proudest papa ever! So it was kind of an emotional day baby wise.

On my appointment on Monday, we found only one follicle, which I was disappointed about because they had me on double the dose of Clomid and last month we had two. So I get to go back tomorrow to have another ultrasound and a shot (if I choose to). I also need to ask why I've been so nauseated lately. It's probably just the hormones.

Speaking of the fertility specialist, I just received the bill today for Hospital S. If insurance doesn't pay for any of it, thus far I will owe $1,741. Not really anything prepares you for that kind of sticker shock. I guess that's what I get for trying to do this medically.

Well, I don't have any fun lists to end with tonight, so I will leave you with a link to one of my favorite bits unnecessary censorship

Fizishun Friday

2010-04-16T16:06:00.002-05:00

Okay, I know that's not how you spell physician, but it looks cool and sounded awesome in my head and ultimately that's what's important. Once again another Friday off work dedicated to the physicians who keep me healthy and try to figure out what the heck is going on with my body. I long for the day that I will have my Fridays back to do whatever I actually need to get done at home - like sleeping in.

So my day started by getting cracked at the chiropractor. Typical 9:15 appointment but today they taught me some new excercises which I think made me pull my hamstring. At least I definitely know where my hamstring is now. Then I went to the drugstore and bought some fingernail polish so I could paint my nails and feel like a girl. And I do.

Next, my appointment at 12:15 at Hospital AM was for my CT scan. I was very nervous cuz I've never had one before. DH came with me for moral support but couldn't go into the room with me. The lady was such a sweetheart and we talked about the struggle with fertility and how God will let you know when it's time. So I layed on a little bed that looks more like a stretcher in front of a big donut looking thing. This was done fully clothed, even though I said that with this baby experience I've no problem taking my clothes off for doctors. She gave me an IV of dye which she did warn me that it would make me feel like I peed my pants. That is very much what it felt like, just a warm feeling. What was really weird was that I could swear smelled the dye as she put it in, but I'm very sure I couldn't. Then I layed there with my arms above my head and the table moved in and out of the donut. A man's voice from the donut told me when to breathe and when to hold my breath. It took about 10 minutes total. No problem- it was a pretty good experience and the most expensive carnival ride ever.

After that we went to eat and then took DH back to work and I tootled around town for a while. Then it occured to me I better call the fertility doctor and see what they need me to do. Well I couldn't remember their number so I just stopped by Hospital S since I was in the neighborhood. They could get me in at 3. So I went to my sister's house to kill and hour. By this time, this is the 3rd time I've been there today and her poor puppy is not sure what to think. So 3:00 came around and I tootled back to the doctor's office. Another ultrasound with the 7 inch wand. I never realized how big it is, but I happened to see one laying there and measured it. Yes I did. The doctor's PA was once again the one to tend to me (I don't know if I'll ever see the actual doctor again) and it was short and sweet. She prescribed more Clomid this time 100mg or 2 pills per day for 5 days and then of course the "homework" as previously described in a post. So we'll see how it goes this time.

Now I'm off to a date with DH. We're eating at his fave restaraunt, OG. I love it too. I will leave you with some tips to help heal your soul.

1. Paint your fingernails.
2. Buy a great fitting dress.
3. Make some homemade chicken noodle soup with A LOT of noodles.
4. Try a bouffant hair style.
5. Have 4 pieces of Dove chocolate.
6. Buy some heel boots (also known as grown-up shoes)
7. Paint a room light yellow.

I'll try to think of some more things. Please, if you think of some, post them in the comments section!!

... and they saw an empty womb...

2010-04-15T09:13:00.003-05:00

Well, another month with an empty womb. During Easter, for some reason, anytime they said "tomb" I put in the word "womb." It seems very macabre now that I think of it. So basically they rolled the stone away and saw an empty womb. Then Jesus popped out and said "Tadaa!" (that was from a story they told in church about preschoolers) Yeah, that's kinda creepy.

Well, I'm supposed to call the fertility specialist today and let them know that it didn't take. I feel like I'm a dog or horse breeder and you know what happens to the animal when they don't take? They get put out to pasture or sold to a slaughterhouse. Please don't send me to the slaughterhouse! Anyway, I have no idea what the next step is in the process. He did mention that he doesn't want to keep me on Clomid because that has been shown to lead to ovarian cancer. So I guess I'll see what our next plan of action is.

Tomorrow I go in for a CT scan. The fertility doctor wanted me to get checked out by a pulmonary specialist to see why I've been suffering from pleurisy these last couple of years. The pulmonary doctor took chest x-rays and found that there are some sort of little spots on my lungs. She requested I have a CT scan done to make sure everything's okay. I'm trying not to think negatively about that.

Lately I've been vomitous and just generally nauseated, like enough that I should have gone home from work. I've also been craving crazy things. The second one might just be psychological, but it makes it harder to take that test and see that negative sign.

In other, actually exciting news, we had our offer accepted on a house. Pending inspections and funding, we'll soon be homeowners! I'm very convinced now is the time to buy and we can start our new family in a new place. I need something like that to get my mind off of other things. If I've learned anything though, it's not to get my hopes up because anything can happen.

I feel like God knows something that I don't. Like maybe there is something wrong with my lungs and he didn't want me to be preggers if we have to do surgery. I sometimes feel like if I just lose 20 pounds... well, if I could just lose 20 pounds that easily, I wouldn't be as heavy as I am in the first place! I've also been wondering if it's maybe just stress from work. I almost wish I had gotten that one position even if it was a pay cut. It just seems like something's gotta give soon.

As much as I am feeling overwhelmed, I'm trying to keep positive. I don't know where I would be if DH wasn't such a wonderful, understanding person. I'm very thankful for him and my family and my friends. I love you all. Thanks for being a solid rock for me.

Update and How To Make Your Mandatory Sack Sessions More Interesting

2010-04-01T22:10:00.002-05:00

So we're 3 weeks into this new endeavor. I have been poke, prodded, and very much humbled by this experience. I'm less apprehensive taking my clothes off in front a perfect stranger in a doctor's office setting. I feel I haven't much more to give, but I'm not done with my regimen of doctor appointments.

The other day it occurred to me that I had never told my doctors this, because I either forgot or wanted to block it out, but back in November or December I had experienced what I would call implantation bleeding. I never spot, ever, and the timing was right. Well I never took a test because I was told you should wait until you're late. Well, I wasn't late any more than usual that month and life continued as normal. It just occurred to me that I possibly miscarried then. There's no way of knowing and it makes me sad to think about. Better then than later.

I went back to see the specialist's Physician's Assistant on Monday. One of the follicles was ripe at 18mm and then other one was still at 14mm. They shot me in the butt with a 2 inch needle- no exaggeration. This was the hcg to facilitate ovulation within 12-36 hours. She sent me home with "homework" as my dear friend lovingly calls it.

Sack sessions for 3 days straight may sound awesome to a novice. But when they've become mandatory, it's not so fun. So it is kinda like homework in that when you're in kindergarten, you wanna take books home like the big kids and then you get to be a big kid and as much as you are sick of it, you know you have to do your homework or you won't succeed in school. There, that's my big philosophical perspective.

So in conclusion, DH and I have come up with a list of ways to keep your sack sessions interesting. Mind you, not necessarily hotter but more interesting:

Role play- she plays Batman while he plays Robin.
Set a two minute egg timer and try to beat it.
Invite your friends to act as judges, see if you can score three 10's.
Keep a tarantula or a scorpion in the bed.
Instead of hot oil, use bacon grease.
Butt plug and a bonnet.
Set up an audience of porcelain dolls - put on a show.
One word- flamethrower.
Tie innertubes together and try it floating down the Big Sioux.
Turn on Lawrence Welk and do the deed to "Yakity Sax"

Money, money everywhere (but not my bank account)

2010-03-26T21:48:00.003-05:00

To date, I have spent $245 on co-pays for my doctor visits in the last 2 weeks. I have about another month of ridiculous doctor's appointments. I can't wait to see what I have to pay for that insurance doesn't.

Today I went back to the specialist and had another ultrasound (again with the wand and no gel this time... OUCH!!) DH wasn't with me this time, so he didn't almost pass out again. We found that the clomid is doing it's job and I have 2 follicles (that means possibility of fraternal twins) that are just about ripe (size 14 mm out of 18 mm). On Monday I go back to get another ultrasound to make sure those follicles are full size and then get an hcg shot to make those puppies burst forth. It was just amazing to me that I could see them on the screen. She did also mention my uterus is still tipped and a little lopsided. That, for some reason, is just another thing that makes feel like I suck at life. Thanks.

So far all of my tests are ok. Dermatologist was good, apparently no trouble with gallbladder or liver, and still waiting to go to the pulmonary specialist in April. I did find that apparently have a higher than normal level of testosterone. That explains my bulging muscles and Al Borland beard.

I'm still waiting for DH to write his guest post on here. It better be funny, cuz that is also something I apparently suck at. I will however, leave you with a list of rules for using a public restroom. Enjoy.

Rules of Using the Public Privy
1. When entering the bathroom, choose a stall that is toward the center of the room.
2. Choose a stall that is not immediately next another occupied stall. There must be one unoccupied stall in between if at all possible.
3. In the event there is one unoccupied stall between to occupied stalls, you may use that unoccupied stall, completing the "triple toitie" formation.
4. Voluntary pooping is prohibited.
5. In the unfortunate event that you do have to poop, the last 2 or 3 stalls are designated "pooping potties."
6. The "handicrapper" should be left open as much as possible for those who actually need it. This usually is also considered a pooping pottie.
7. Wash your damn hands.
8. When washing hands, use the sink closest to the wall. The "every other" rule applies in this instance.
9. Hand dryers also utilize the "every other" rule similar to the sink rule.
10. When leaving the bathroom, just use the door handle. By using the handicap door opener, I can only assume you're handicapped and I can only assume that's a mental handicap as you're not physically impaired.
11. If you absolutely have to use the handicap door opener, please use your elbow. I've seen plenty of people who don't wash their hands use that thing too. Yeah.

Sorry, this one's kinda long

2010-03-19T21:54:00.003-05:00

This was a very long day but got a lot done.
6:10 am - My alarm goes off and I get ready for the long day. Woke up before DH, very rare.

7:15 am - Briskly walked my butt across the campus of Hospital AM and checked in for ultrasound on liver and gallbladder. Doc just wants to check on the frequent nausea and make sure I'm healthy there.

8:00 am - This is where the day gets kinda weird... on my way back to my car I decided to ask how to get my lab work done (which in hindsight, I should have just asked when I was at my first appointment). My OBGYN's office was actually on the way back to the car so I was going to just ask the receptionist what I should do. Well.... I get in the elevator and push the button, but no go. Then a lady walks in and swipes her badge THEN pushes the same floor I'm going to. She is presumably a doctor. So at this point I feel like a total ass. She seemed OK with it and nonchalantly said that there are chairs there I can just sit and wait for a bit. I waited for the receptionist in the dim light and was offered coffee by another presumed doctor. The docs at Hospital AM are apparently very nice. When the receptionist came, she opened the waiting room so I could wait for the nurse. I showed the nurse my paper and she told me to go upstairs to the lab for blood draw. OK. I toodle up there and they say, no, you need to go back to Dr. Plaza 2 (where I was before). At this point I smarted up and got my car (which I need to wash cuz I think the valet guy was embarrassed to drive) and went up to the lab. Explained the situation for the 30th time in 2 hours and found out that I have to be there for 2 hours straight with the glucose test. OK. Fine, I'll come back.

9:30 am - Went to chiropractor. Dr. Shelly wasn't there so Dr. Chris stepped in. Also started rehab to retrain muscles. No acupuncture. Took longer than anticipated.

10:40 am - Back to the lab at Hospital AM. Something like 12 vials of blood drawn (not quite a pint) Had to chug what I think to be about 16 oz of orange sweet drink. Then you are told to not leave campus for 2 hours and you will become sleepy. Sure enough I was getting sleepy about 1/2 hour into it. I was kept entertained by "Wife Swap" and then a nice gentleman sat next to me and we discussed how shallow people are and why neither of us could ever participate in "Wife Swap." At this point, I also need to inform you what NOT to do in a doctor's office waiting room.

1. Don't be all lovin' up on your woman. Kissing the back of her neck and feeling up her leg is not accepted as couth and I wanted to punch them both.

2. Don't clip your fingernails and then brush them off on the floor. I don't even do that at work in a garbage can.

3. Please be aware that when you sit in a chair whose back is against the back of another person, try not to invade the invisible wall and touch the other person. Maybe that's just a personal choice.

2:00 pm - When I was done at the lab I ate and then headed to work for some overtime until 5 pm

5:30 pm - Met at Ground Round with a friend that I grew up with since like 6th grade or something. We've been trying to plan this meal-chat since October. We talked about how being grown up sucks and grown up problems suck. She has much different grown up problems than me and probably sucks more than mine. (Love you friend and praying for you!) We talked and made each other teary-eyed for 2 hours. I guess it had been a long time.

What I learned from this conversation and just this whole experience is that I will need my friends, family and faith to get me through this. If I don't have those 3 things, I will go crazy(er).

I also learned that apparently a waiting room is consider an OK place to sex your girl. Get ready, DH....

For the man who has everything but a baby (warning: TMI post, but educational if you need it)

2010-03-18T09:30:00.004-05:00

I want to preface this by saying that men, do NOT complain about this test. You have no idea what the women go through. So man up. But women, please stand by your man as this is a very vulnerable time.

I've been approached by a couple of people asking what to expect when their man has to have the semen analysis done. So I thought I would put this out there if anyone is curious or apprehensive. Hopefully this will help you out.

We had this done at Hospital S (not sure if Hospital AM doesn't have this equipment or what). You walk in to a very small waiting room to fill out your paperwork. Then you are walked back to a room once there is the "all clear" (not sure why but they don't want you to make eye contact with any men as they might be embarrassed. Not like you can't see them in the waiting room). Ladies, you're able to go back with him for moral support.

The room you are led to is a little bit smaller than an exam room at the doctor's office. It's really nicely decorated, which soothing browns, a mod brown/black pleather couch, tan throw rug and mood lighting. There are cupboards and a sink just like in a doctor's exam room on the opposite wall of the door. The radio is in the room for a reason. You can hear the ladies up front laughing about what happened at their cousin's wedding last weekend and you can hear clanging and banging in the lab on the other side of the wall. That can ruin the mood. In the cupboard there are visual aides and gel-like aides to help with the process. Do not bring your own gel-like aides and no saliva or any other kind of "reproductive assistance." This actually would be described in the paper you get before-hand.

You can figure out how to aim for the cup. If you miss, you'll have to reschedule. And that wouldn't be a good thing.

Once you've got the specimen, be sure not to tip it over, even if it's sealed. Apparently we missed that instruction, but we didn't tell anybody and it didn't seem to make a difference. When you're all ready to go, knock on the door and the lady will come and get you. Again, no eye contact with anyone or something. Then she'll gather everything and you'll be on your way.

They give you all the time you need so don't feel pressured. It's hard to explain but you'll just hafta relax and maybe envision you and your woman are in a secluded bungalow in Jamaica.

I believe DH may be writing a guest post for all of you fellas that need a little male perspective. Hang in there, folks. If we can do it, you can too.

Information overload (aka In it to win it)

2010-03-18T08:29:00.004-05:00

If you ever want to be inundated with information, go to a fertility specialist.

Just this week my calendar went from having 1 thing on it this month to literally every day filled (except Sunday and Saturday) with doctor appointments, some of which extend into April and one in May. We're now entering the "in it to win it" stage.

My week started last Friday the 12th when I went to a new chiropractor at the advice of one of my friends who read this blog and happens to work for them. I really didn't want to start another doctor but I went to check it out and see what she could do. Dr. Shelly also does acupuncture which I was/am very skeptical about and she knows that. So I went. I had some x-rays and found out that my back is screwed up and hips are misaligned which could be part of what's going on. She also did some pressing on acupuncture points (no needles!) and I could feel kind of a buzz like when you start feeling your alcohol or what I assumed feels like when you get a nicotine buzz. So I will be continuing with this pretty much 3 times a week for the rest of March.

On Tuesday the 16th, DH and I went to see Dr. Keith at Hospital S (the other hospital in town) who is the fertility specialist highly recommended by my OBGYN and a couple friends. This is where the information overload comes in. Luckily DH didn't need another semen analysis. Not that it's a difficult test, but a little awkward and I didn't want to scare him away. I'll describe that experience later for those of you facing that day. However, I did have to have another ultrasound to make sure this are where they're supposed to be.

Dr. Keith told us with the family history I need to get checked out for diabetes and because of my non-specific pleurisy, I need to go to a pulmonary (respiratory) doctor. I also need to have an ultrasound on my liver and see a dermatologist. These 3 doctors were scheduled for me so I kinda didn't really have a say (because they know I never would have done it myself).

At the visit with Dr. Keith we talked to a genetisist who pretty much gave us a brochure of testing that should or could be done but no body does it because insurance won't cover it. Also the baby will be tested for cystic fibrosis anyways so what's the point? A lot of info that won't change our mind.

So I still need more tests which I have to schedule. To accomplish most of these they need to draw a pint of blood. No prob I donate that involuntarily each month! At this point DH said there's no way he could handle being a woman. The tests are as follows:
(these are for screenings) Factor V leiden; CBC; HIV1/2 Aby; RPR; Hepatitis B SAg; Rubella IgG (quant); ABO Rh & Antibody; Chlamidia Trac IgG, m, A; (and these for PCOS) Testosterone; DHEA-S; 17OH Progesterone; LH, FSH; Prolactin; IGF-1; 2 hour glucose tolerence test; lipid panel; insulin; comprehensive metabolic panel; 24 hour urine sample for cortisol

So far we found out I'm likely borderline PCOS. He prescribed glucophage (metformin) and 1 last dose of clomid. He did say the acupuncture should actually help.

So in closing, when they tell you to relax and not stress about being stressed, they will undoubtedly throw more stress in your lap. I have to figure out how I can possibly do all of this and still keep my job. I will also need to work overtime so I can afford all of this.

Definitely in it to win it now.

Hamlet's got nothin on this soliloquy...

2010-03-11T00:39:00.004-06:00

To be or not to be that is the question,
whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or by taking arms and, by opposing, end them... yada... yada..

Well, that's about all I can remember by heart and not even sure that is all correct. That's all I could think of while lying awake listening to what I can only describe as DH clearing a forest in his sleep, he's sawing so many logs. I fear my high school AP English teacher may be ashamed at the feeble attempt to recite Hamlet's soliloquy. And dear Billy Shakespeare is now rolling in his grave. I digress.

Today I was discussing beautiful baby making trials and tribulations with a good friend at work, who, sadly, recently lost her baby. My thoughts and prayers go to her and her husband. We were discussing whether it would be better to be able to get pregnant and lose the baby or to know that you can't get pregnant at all. I think they're both pretty crappy if you ask me. So it made me think of Hamlet's soliloquy. Don't think of the situation he's talking about, but more-so the "is it better to deal with the pain or do something about it" kinda thing.

Which brings me to another point of discussion my aforementioned friend and I brought up- the "doing something about it." I think every infertile I know has gone to a doctor and or specialist to see what's up, how do we fix this? How do you know if you're playing God? And at what point to you throw up your hands and "let go and let God?" Once, I saw a comment on a message board that Christians shouldn't think it's ok to have science help them conceive. I personally think that God and science co-exist because there wouldn't be science without God. So there.

I've kinda thought about the ethics behind fertility, treatments, and related sciences, but today my aforementioned friend brought it to a whole new level. She described how they do genetic testing on the remains to determine if there was a chromosomal defect by growing the stem cells in a petri dish. After this analysis the remains are then sent for burial. (This is at a catholic hospital in town which will here on out be known as Hospital AM) I gotta say when I heard this about the analysis I wanted to just say "WTF?" but we were at work so I didn't. We discussed how this DNA could be used to clone a human and how unethical that is. Not that Hospital AM would do that, but if I've learned one thing from CSI Miami....

So in conclusion, I'm more confused than ever. I don't know if there is a right answer. I think stress could be a factor, or maybe medication or some sort of emotional test, or a sick impractical joke. I also think it could be the twinkies.

At least I'm working on the twinkie part.

Things not to ay to an infertile

2010-03-08T09:57:00.002-06:00

My experience as an infertile has taught how people may mean well, but they completely missed the couth train. So here is a list of things not to say to someone who is struggling with their baby making adventures.

1. "Maybe it's God's will that you're barren." - as much as this may seem like consolation, it's not. I honestly don't know how anyone could ever think to say that in the first place.

2. "My daycare is costing me a small fortune. Be lucky you don't have that expense!" - Thank you for your concern for my wallet, but if I cared about money, I wouldn't be going to the fertility doctor and spending a ton of money on treatments insurance doesn't cover.

3. "Babies just give you morning sickness and change your body." - Don't think that will deter me!

4."If you've been trying that long, just adopt." - This one has mixed emotions. It's frustrating because I heard it from a man. There are plenty deserving children who need a good home, but I also imagine there's no comparison to experiencing the whole process. Maybe I'll do both!

5."Children just ruin the house and good luck having alone time." - My house already looks like a tornado hit it and after being alone so much trying to conceive, it might be a welcome break!

These are just a couple of things that I've heard that I can think of right now. So please be mindful if you're in the company of someone who is trying to conceive. If you say something hurtful, when they end of up having children, they just might call you up to babysit sometime.

Welcome, New Day

2010-03-03T08:35:00.001-06:00

Well, today is a new day, and this is new blog. New way to start over.

My husband of almost 3 years, here on known as DH (dear husband) and I have been try to conceive since November 1st of 2008. You'll find in this blog a lot of emotional ranting and hopefully somewhat humorous contemplations as I try to chronicle our struggle with unexplained infertility.

Our journey started June 16th of 2007 when we were married. There was never any doubt that this was the man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life and make beautiful babies. Even a few months after we were married I was ready to start but one has to tell oneself to calm down and wait a little bit. We were both pretty fresh from college and didn't know where life was going to take us.

Somewhere in that time I had been to see my gyno and was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which was a devastating blow because I knew it would impact my beautiful baby making. So, after much coaxing, DH and I started the enthusiastic process of trying to conceive.

During the first couple of months we didn't expect much. Then it got to be months 5 and 6 and we (or I) started getting concerned. After month 8 or 9 I decided to seek help of a new gyno. She told me (and keeps telling me) I'm young and I've got time, but I don't feel like I have time. My mom had a heart attack at age 50 and I'm afraid my parents will never see their grandchildren. Am I totally irrational with my thinking with that?

So we started the barrage of testing. I don't remember the exact order but it started with blood work for hormones, transvaginal ultrasounds, the Hysterosalpingogram(HSG) and last but not least sperm analysis. The doctor did say the numbers for his morphology (shape of his little guys) was borderline but my tests were all normal and no sign of PCOS. The doctor put me on Clomid for 2 months which seemed to be helping control things but no beautiful baby. Well that's frustrating.

So now we're on to the fertility specialist on March 16th. We've been asked to take his tests over again which will start to add up since none of this from here on out will be covered by insurance. I guess that's the price you pay sometimes.

This baby better love us. Alot.